Lost & Found
August has been a trip… literally and figuratively. I have been away from my own bed since July 27 and in that time (a mere 19 days), so much has happened and changed.
I arrived in Minneapolis 6 days before the WORLD PREMIERE of my new one-person show, Francis Grey and the Case of His Dead Boyfriend, at the Minnesota Fringe Festival. Just days before the show opened, I still didn’t know how to end the play. I mean, I had the words, but had NO IDEA how I was going to actually do the play that I had written. Luckily for me, I have a very good friend who is a VERY good director and she agreed to consult on the show, to help me shape it before in went out for public consunption. In my first (and only) run-through of the show for her, I stopped in the penultimate scene, threw my hands up in the air, stopped moving and speaking, and then uttered, “I have no idea what I’m doing." I really didn’t know how to do it. I had been so focused on the big picture that I forgot to get granular and do the scene-work. Did I really forget? Or did I just run out of time? Either way, it was T-minus three days to opening and I didn’t know my lines or how many of my characters spoke— I was still experimenting! And I guess this is the way of self-produced, one-person, new plays! That is what I’ve decided to tell myself at the very least.
So, the amazing director-friend said, “Ok. Let’s break it down. How can we use what you have to tell the story?” And then it clicked. I trust her wholeheartedly onstage. She is someone whose work I have admired and who I’ve been lucky enough to work with over the years— and she never does me wrong. As long as I put in the work, she does too. Big bravo to her and to what we came up with for that scene. It ended up being the part of the show most talked about after the audiences left the theater. It was chaos, frenzy, and pure joy to perform nightly.
But wait… we’re not there, yet. So the next day, I went into my tech rehearsal (for those not familiar, it’s the long rehearsal adding in the technical elements of the show: lights, sounds, video, etc). And did the show go off the tracks again? Absolutely. Due to a series of cuts made (by me) last minute, the timing of the video and my live performance was suddenly out of sync. But that was fixable! In a show that needed to be 60 minutes or less, I had timed out my video to be 58 minutes and 36 seconds. So, I just needed to fill the gaps and speed up where needed. I was NOT going back into video-editing mode. I simply didn’t have the time. After that rehearsal, where I was joined by my dialect coach-friend, my consulting director-friend, and my puppet consultant-friend, I was exhausted, anxious, and yet still excited. I loaded up the car and was joined by my puppet-friend. I said, “So what next?” And they turned to me and simply said, “We can go return the karaoke speaker.” I was aghast and also in agreement. You see, due to my astrological positioning and my lack of attachment to financial matters (and ultimate love/hate relationship with money/capitalism), on a whim while picking up some costume items, I came across a large karaoke system on wheels that you can cart around like a piece of luggage— that seemed like a really good idea when I bought it. It was on sale. I LOVE A SALE! So, begrudgingly at first, I agreed to return the unopened speaker system. Everyone keeps telling me I should use You Need A Budget software, but I’m still not convinced.
While on our way to make that return, I was, naturally, on a work call (camera off, of course)— the remote office is anywhere I find myself these days. The company I have worked for since 2017 was recently acquired by one of those large corporations that fancy themselves “healthcare providers,” but in actuality are just fraudulently over-billing insurance companies with fictional diagnoses and then fail to treat those they diagnose, creating a larger revenue for them. You know… the evil overlords that think healthcare is not human-centered but is simply a business with profit margins. At said job, I was recently put on probation because I don’t agree with all the mixed messages and money-first decisions that leadership is making, and therefore when I voice my opinion, I am told I am “accusatory, negative, and disruptive.” While I am not really any of those things at work, I don’t take issue with being disruptive… they need it. They are burning down most of the good things that made the organization worth the time of those whom work(ed) there. Soon after that meeting concluded, I was invited to attend a meeting the next morning. It had a cryptic title, but only one other person was attending, so I didn’t think much of it. I accepted the invitation.
The next morning rolled around and I joined the mysterious call at the designated time, then much to my surprise, someone from Human Resources was there… and the person whom invited me wasn’t. HR couldn’t figure out how to turn on the camera on their computer so the first few minutes were us awkwardly trying to get the camera to work, and then the host of the meeting showed up in all their fiery (non-)glory. This person is the fakest of the fake, laughs uncomfortably when put on the spot or not wanting so share the actual/full truth. We all chuckled about the camera, and then the tone shifted, but the look on fire demon’s face did not. Through the clenched, forced smile, I was reminded of upcoming and ongoing “reductions in workforce” — I knew this day would come, but I didn’t really expect it before complete “people integration,” a corporate term that I balk at due to its lack of humanity. Leading up to that conversation on August 1, I was not one to be quiet when I didn’t agree with something, which is what led me to the probationary period, and I also filed complaint after complaint about the unethical treatment of staff by the new company. All of my grievances were allegedly investigated and then deemed unfounded, however when one person said something about me, it was taken as truth and I was written up— a small double-standard. I took the information in— my last day was to be August 15— and I moved on with my morning. I had to show to open the next day!
So, holding two opposing feelings, one of gratitude for my creative life and the nearly 8 years I was able to serve the patients, clinicians, and staff at our practice, juxtaposed with my upcoming release from employment masquerading as “workforce reduction”— I like to say they fired me because they have been gunning for me since the merger, but on paper I was laid off and told I was re-hirable— I continued trudging through my show and got it close to ready for that first audience on August 2. I was grateful to have my play to work on in that moment; it allowed me to focus on something other than the fear and uncertainty of August 16 and beyond. I am happy to report that the show went great and it was a successful first outing for the new script. I closed the show, reflected on the process, talked about future runs of it in different cities, and wrapped up my job as best as I could.
Cut to today, August 15, my last day of work. I opened my computer to log in to my email, and I received the notification that my account had been locked prematurely. I was expecting to work one more day, to say some goodbyes, tie up some loose ends, and in classic dysfunctional fashion, I wasn’t given that opportunity. I typically think it’s odd when we use the expression, “I lost my job.” In this case, I didn’t LOSE my job— I lost my income, I lost my ability to say goodbye, but I didn’t lose my job. I was told I was no longer welcome at my job, and also was repeatedly told that my presence was disruptive and negative— so you tell me. Was it a workforce reduction for workforce reduction’s sake? Or was it more targeted than that? I know I have thoughts on this topic, but I’m too close to the beast that my former place of employment is becoming.
In the process of LOSING my job, I FOUND that my integrity, my commitment to leading a life of service and ethics, and my ability to remain adaptable and in acceptance in times of stress and great change remain firmly in tact.
Oh, do you want to know what what audience members and critics said about the show? Visit the links below:
https://lavendermagazine.com/featured-home-page/minnesota-fringe-day-4-roundup/
